Category Archives: Mythical beasts

Black Beard


Source: Children’s Stories for Grown Ups



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The Bull Shark of Cherry Grove: The greatest short film ever to be shared on the internet

In the course of all internet history, never has something so provocative been captured by a mere man. YouTube was bound to reach its pinnacle, and on this glorious day, it has been grasped. The majestic video at hand is a short documentary, filmed by a mysterious red blooded American man, while on vacation in the Cherry Grove inlet of South Carolina.

The stage is set, with an atmospheric summer storm raging off the coast of a peaceful, beach side community. A young woman by the name of ‘Sarah’ is fishing right off her deck, which is one of the more righteous amenities a beach house could have. After several failed attempts, it is finally her turn to land a big fish to prove once and for all her place in the world. She gradually starts to reel in her prey, a well deserved prize, while contemporary country music triumphantly resounds against the crashing of hot rain and thunder. Sarah brings in her catch, but quickly learns that life always has a surprise around the corner, and that sometimes, God gives you bigger fish to fry.

This story has it all: terror, suspense, angst, artsy handheld camera angles, and metaphorical portrayals of capitalism, greed and the omnipresence of that elusive American dream. That when you finally find what you’ve eternally been chasing, something will emerge from the deep to snatch it away.  It even has an awesome catch phrase (It’s a Shiiark! A Shiiark! A Big ass Shiiark!). A big ass Shiiark indeed.

There is already buzz at the Oscar camp for a best supporting actor nom going to ‘Bobby’.

Watch the film in its entirety:

Indiana Indie-rock outfit Murder By Death released a song from their upcoming album, entitled I Came Around, to commemorate this deeply moving portrait of man vs. mother ocean. Listen to it here.

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It’s About Fucking Time Someone Stood up to Ghosts

From ABC News:

A New Jersey couple is suing their landlord for a refund after they said paranormal activity caused them to flee their rental home.

Michele Callan and her fiance, Josue Chinchilla, moved into the home in Toms River, N.J., with Callan’s two children on March 1 and were immediately spooked.

“Three taps on the TV, taps on the shoulder…” Chinchilla told ABC News.

At first they chalked it up to the adjustment period of moving into a new home.

But things only got spookier, they said.

Doors opened and closed. The family even claimed they recorded strange voices whispering, “Let it burn.”

The new tenants said that between the menacing voices, flickering lights and clothes mysteriously flying from their closets, they couldn’t take it anymore. They fled the three-bedroom home and checked into a hotel, where they said they have been living since March 13.

Callan and Chinchilla filed suit last week in New Jersey Superior Court, seeking the return of their $2,250 security deposit from their landlord, Richard Lopez.

Lopez filed a counter-suit claiming the couple is using alleged paranormal activity as a way to break their lease.

“Frankly, there is something else going on,” David Semanchik, who is Lopez’s lawyer, told the Asbury Park Press. “She is a single mom, she has this fiancé living with her. I think she is in over her head and she can’t afford the rent.”

The couple said that isn’t the case, but ultimately a judge will have the final word on whether the family will be able to escape their alleged nightmare on Lowell Avenue.

If your gonna rent a house to someone, you gotta let them know it’s all full of spirits that try to make you burn stuff. Otherwise, a lawsuit is appropriate.

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Torche Guitarist Will Inevitably Become Batman


Andrew Elstner, guitarist for the Florida metal band Torche, has had a rough week: A bat pissed straight into his eyeball.

“Whether or not you think I’m telling the truth is irrelevant at this point,” he wrote on Facebook. “What I’m worried about now is rabies.”

The story begins in St. Louis. Elstner was with a friend’s touring band, staying with a former roommate at his old home– a rustic house built in 1824 with 70 acres and a horse pasture. When Elstner turned on the lights in one room, he discovered a trapped and frightened bat, zooming around. “As it passed by my head a fourth time at light speed, it managed to piss on my right eye,” Elstner wrote in an email to Pitchfork. He laughed, rinsed his face, and went to sleep.

But the next day, he told his parents, and they “proceeded to have a meltdown,” he said, “and were convinced I had rabies.” Although it’s impossible to contract rabies from bat piss, Elstner said he was recommended to get vaccinated, due to “exposure,” by “everyone from the local vet, to our family doc, to Animal Control, to my friend who’s an eye surgeon, to the nerds at the CDC in Atlanta.” With rabies, there is a small window for treatment, after which it is pretty much always fatal.

He added, on Facebook, “God help me.”

Elstner entered the emergency room at St. Luke’s Hospital on March 30 to begin the rabies vaccination process. More treatments are to come. “Feel like I’m getting treated for a unicorn bite,” he wrote, and later added, “I didn’t feel like rolling the dice any more than I already do.”

Oh yeah, Torche have a new album, Harmonicraft, out April 24 on Volcom. And they’re hitting the road this week… bat pee-related mishaps permitting. Check out the track “Kicking” after the dates.


04-05 Tampa, FL – Crowbar
04-06 Gainesville, FL – The Atlantic
04-07 Miami, FL – Churchill’s
05-10 Chapel Hill, NC – Local 506
05-11 Atlanta, GA – 529
05-12 Orlando, FL – Will’s Pub
06-01 Charlotte, NC – Amos’ Southend #
06-02 Atlanta, GA – The Masquerade #
06-03 Nashville, TN – Exit – In #
06-05 Oklahoma City, OK – The Conservatory #
06-07 Tempe, AZ – Club 910 #
06-08 Long Beach, CA – Ink N Iron Festival
06-09 San Francisco, CA – Slim’s #
06-11 Seattle, WA – Studio Seven #
06-12 Portland, OR – Hawthorne Theatre #
06-13 Vancouver, British Columbia – Rickshaw Theatre #
06-15 Salt Lake City, UT – Urban Lounge #
06-16 Denver, CO – The Summit Music Hall #
06-18 St. Louis, MO – Firebird #
06-19 Cincinnati, OH – Taft Theatre #
06-20 Flint, MI – The Machine Shop #
06-21 Toronto, Ontario – The Opera House #
06-22 Montreal, Quebec – Les Foufounes Electriques #
06-23 Cambridge, MA – Middle East Downstairs #
06-24 Atlantic City, NJ – Orion Music and Arts Festival
07-06 Miami, FL – 305 Fest

# with Black Cobra, Gaza, and Corrosion of Conformity

In my day, when an animal pissed in your eye before you went to sleep, you woke up with special powers that reflected the strengths of that animal. Then over time you would eventually become a vigilante superhero toiling with your own morality, while dating a redheaded woman. Torche’s next EP will be able to see in the dark, but it will think rocks are bugs and chase them via cool diving maneuvers.

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The Iceland Worm Monster

This is a video:

of an Icelandic Worm Monster attempting to burst through a thin layer of ice to destroy and eat the arms of an Icelandic, amateur photographer. Who probably looks like this:

Lake Lagarfljót has been the lurking grounds for the giant serpent for centuries. According to legends that sweatered vikings with long, crunchy beards, once drunkingly told around indoor campfires, the beast was once a worm. Hundreds of years ago, a young girl put a ring around a cursed worm and it grew into the aforementioned creature.

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A modern gentleman’s guide to 13 Top Ten winter anthems

13. AFI – A Winter’s Tale

AFI had that weird synth-goth record about December and voluntary manslaughter, but thankfully they recorded this tasty snowball prior to Miss Murder. The tale remained a little truer to their frozen roots in the winter wonderland of Southern California. A chilling silence! A string of white lights!

12. Bright Eyes – If Winter Ends

I like how this begins sounding like an old wooden metal song. Accurately sums up the dog days of winter, when a beard gets itchy from the mild temperature,  yet the persisting white desert still makes everything a blinding shade of green, when you go back inside. The stabbing, noisy feedback backs O-Bursts despair, who sings about drinking to stay warm and driving his car off a cliff.

11. Jeff Rowe – New Winter, New England

Jeffrey Rowe broke his teeth on the gritty fishing seaport town of Gloucester, Massachusetts. This folk shanty feels like dredging a shovel into a snow mound and hurling the unbearable weight over your shoulder. He waits til the chorus to crush piano keys, as his mouth tastes like blood again and words ricochet off cement. Rowe sounds a lot angrier on this release, a stark contrast to the upbeat tidings of Barstool Conversations.

10. Old Man Gloom – Gift

Hibernate in a mist of stark green pine. Ever so slightly distorted acoustic notes ring ominously with cathedral sized chants and filthy stoner gloom. Feels like being trapped in a cabin with a fever of a hundred and two, during avalanche low tide. With a cup of hot cocoa.

9. Caspian – Our Breath in Winter

The white noise of a billion snowflakes hitting the ground at once, while plow trucks grind iron gears far off in the distance. The guitar fretting hand just kind of slides around, without being able to grip the asphalt’s slope. No explosions here, unless you count your breath oxidizing in the air an explosion. There is one word in the English lexicon to explain Caspian’s contemplation on winter and that word is “quivering.”

8.  Glasvegas – Please Come Back Home

This seems like a Caspian song, if Sammy Davis Jr. drank too much (egg nog mixed with a pinch of Sailor Jerry’s spiced rum) and provided the singing, in a thick Scottish accent. Glasvegas kind of bummed everyone out with their Brian De Palma movie soundtrack-like full length, but it’s a good thing they released a Christmas themed EP entitled A Snowflake Fell (And It Felt Like a Kiss). Please Come Back Home rolls new wavy drums under a constant crescendo of blue Christmases.

7. Foo Fighters – February Stars

This is that type of scarf jam that you’d pray was playing in the background of some intrinsic moment in your life. The conclusions of a 90’s winter, and the sweet fibers of a flannel armor that may indeed protect you from a Valentine’s wind chill. It won’t protect you from a wall of buzzing alt. rock guitar and symbols that do anything but chill.

6. Mono – Ashes in the Snow

Instrumental, post-rock soundscapes and vast snow dunes go together mitten and mitten. But Mono’s track off Hymn to the Immortal Wind isn’t some vast soundscape. It’s much more personal. Ashes in the Snow appeals to some frosty corner of the heart, rather than your intellect. In hypothermia, an individual will usually experience a flooding feeling of warmth right before they freeze to death.

5. Hot Water Music – I Was On A Mountain

Kind of like making a descent down Everest, on a toboggan, while being pursued by a vengeful Yeti. Riding shotgun is celebrity chef Giada De Laurentiis, who was rescued from the monster’s cave lair. The sled goes over a peak and soars into the thin mountain air. In that moment you can hear the melody of Silent Night, buried in the chorus. And then the landslide brings it down.

4. Bon Iver – Blood Bank

Something precious, but forgotten, hidden beneath a layer of freezing rain. Followed by three feet of damp snow and a surface of sleet. He wrote this about being stuck out in a car with the ladies, then retreated to the cabin when things migrated south. But they’ll always have this and Christmas morning. Load it  into your stove and smell the sweet, oak notes.

3. The Lawrence Arms –100 Resolutions

Enjoying a pint of lager while glass snowflakes break on the bar’s outer window sill, is better than a 12 hour old crock pot of beef stew. New Years Eve not only presents the opportunity to get pants shittingly drunk, but is a chance for reprieve. You know the narrator will not fulfill his resolutions, but the holiday still offers a glimpse of hope, like the glimpse of an aero-sleigh-plane in the overwhelmingly clear night sky. For Auld Lang Syne.

2. The Sword – Winter’s Wolves

This tune is essentially an instructional essay on how to lace your boots and put them up a wolf’s ass. The first 54 seconds exudes hot 70’s sludge, meditating on rhythm and the gift of might. Sword blades hurt more against cold skin, until you feel the brunt of axes and entire cities being laid to waste. Take a gander at how The Sword structures instrumental metal with sparingly used vocals and the call of those gray dogs of the winter tide.

1. The Pogues – Fairytale of New York

That piano is so fuckin uplifting. It’s enough to lift your spirit right out of the confines of a prison cell, Marley’s chains and all. The Pogues relay a yarn about a time when whiskey tasted terrible but it warmed you up. A boy and a girl in a city with hopes n’ dreams told in classic duet form, like a latter day Empire State of Mind. Instead of Jay Z, there’s traditional Irish folk instruments bouncing off the walls of a sheltering pub.

Outside, there’s a couple who just met, stuck out in a car chewing on a candy bar. Wolves are circling and snarling, and a drunk guy has gloved hands shoved in his coat pockets, just trying to keep from slipping on the ice. Ashes from cigarettes disappear in the old snow, while fresh powder drifts down from the peaks of Yeti riddled mountains. The stars are temporary scars, and will dissipate like the resolutions of a hundred people in the city below.

Glimpses of the past year are seen in a side view mirror, while the car slides off a ledge, anti-lock breaks pounding against your boots.

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The average surface temperature on Kepler-22b would be 72 degrees Fahrenheit

Kepler-22b is a planet recently discovered by NASA, 600 light years from Earth. It is literally jam packed with these guys:

‘I’m from Kepler-22b. Your seas are full of delicious fish and crustaceans.’

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Ogopogo is Canadian for ‘Lake Demon’

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From CBS Philadelphia:


Scientists at the Academy of Natural Sciences, on Logan Circle in Philadelphia, are part of a team announcing the recent discovery of a species of lumbering fish that preceded the dinosaurs.

A sample of Laccognathus embryi. (Academy of Natural Sciences)

It’s genus is Laccognathus (“pitted jaw”), it’s species embryi (in honor of a Canadian geologist named Embry).  Numerous fossil heads and other parts of this prehistoric fish were found far north of the Arctic Circle, says Academy paleontologist Dr. Ted Daeschler.

“Laccognathus is a large fish, five to six feet in length.  (It) probably prowled freshwater steams and delta systems,” he says.  “Flat head, very small eyes, very big mouth, very big teeth.”

Laccognathus embryi is estimated to have lived 375 million years ago — prior to animals being on land but during a time of transition.  Laccognathus apparently had fins that were more like limbs, perhaps indicating its role in the evolution of water-based swimmers to land-based walkers.

“The Devonian Period was a turning point in the history of the Earth, and our studies of the fossil fish from that period really help us understand the evolution of the Earth and the life that lived on it,” Daeschler says.

But he says the Academy of Natural Sciences is not quite ready to display its Laccognathus yet.







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